Leaving is always tough, bittersweet, necessary, but painful. Yet, this time around it felt like I was Frida Kahlo and I felt so disconnected with both of the emotions that were splitting me into two, I could hardly recognize myself. I saw others be surprised of this girl who is reinventing herself, yearning for a different life, a different self, an immersive and intensive transformation that surpasses anyone else’s selfish interests, and I stood in awe with them.

I felt like I was watching myself make decisions as if I was a fish in a fish tank and had a checklist of actions and completions ready to be checked and met in preparation for the journey to come.

My last days in Miami were hectic only by choice and not an imposition. I give myself to so many souls and beautiful relationships that I love to nurture, but as the time came near to give me back to myself, it was like the social anxiety I have been feeling intensify this year reversed itself into anxiety against being left alone with myself with nowhere to go, nowhere to hide, nowhere to play some game and pretend to be someone I’m not to be accepted by people I want to believe love me, care for me, but in reality care only about themselves.

At the same time, the time nearing my departure was such a transformational period in itself for myself and for my closest loves that I felt so sheltered to stand up to my own fears and let go of all this confusion and anxiety. I will never know how to transfer the gratitude I have in my heart for having friends like my close gals that push me to be the best version of myself and to continue to figure out who the fuck that is! because it’s okay to not know, it’s okay to get lost and feel like you’ll never get back to yourself, it’s okay to not know what’s next!

My loves, my gals, they’re the seeds of beauty and grace that the universe gifted my soul. Without them life is dull, dark, numb, uncolored, lacking purpose, and lonely. I love them to no end. We grow like middlemist red and jade vine and we support eachother in mutual growth and understanding.

I’ve been planning my life out since I can remember coherently learning to plan for my future. Deconstructing that imposition on my conscience and the way I make decisions has been one of my hardest battles. Accepting that right now is the best I have and that I have the ultimate power to choose how I feel about the world and my life, identity, and own mobility is something beautiful and liberating. I feel like a dove finally grown big enough and strong enough to break away from the chains imposed on me by impediments; selfish beings always on the lookout for control and manipulation over how I feel, what I want to feel, what I do or do not do, and what I AM.

This year I broke my tradition of writing down resolutions because I didn’t end last year or begin this year believing that such were attainable anymore. I had lost all sense of direction and confidence that I had built about how I wanted to live my life. I’ve tried to deconstruct the abusive environment I lived in my whole life since I left that environment, yet failed to realize that in the process of doing so, I had internally replaced the abusive source of pain and become my own aggressor and abuser. It took me half a year, heartbreak, loss of identity, deprecating self-esteem, and full loss of confidence to realize that this is the end of the cycle. I refuse to keep these Centennial long chains caging my feet for any longer.

It took me half a year, heartbreak, loss of identity, deprecating self-esteem, and full loss of confidence to realize that this is the end of the cycle. I refuse to keep these Centennial long chains caging my feet for any longer.

This year is the year of broken chains.

Flying out of Miami and out of the world that harbored my self-deprecation left me feeling free, light, and ready to begin my next transformation.

as the beautiful and brave Banks writes and sings,

Cause I fuck with myself more than anybody else
It’s all love
I used to care what you think about me
It’s all love
Cause my love so good
So I FUCK WITH MYSELF MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE

I have been sulking in my depression and its powerful ability to cloud over my life and let itself be inserted into whatever point my life has currently reached. 

The pain builds connections with my loneliness, my hopelessness, and my abandonment issues. How can a force be so powerfully permeable? How does it swerve annotations of responses and superficial antidotes that others point out?

“It is what you make it be”, a truly constructivist way to analyze my thoughts. But a harsh way. 

control the uncontrollable, force an escape from this wholesome cloud of sadness, deal with the issues

I’d just like for the feelings to be free.

 To roam free in the world like they roam in my thoughts. Setting them free from my head and my heart is such a painful process too, baring cells to be unmasked and unsurveilled (by me).

I just want you to know the urge to understand haunts me too. But I don’t even understand it myself. 

I think I just need time and space.