Leaving is always tough, bittersweet, necessary, but painful. Yet, this time around it felt like I was Frida Kahlo and I felt so disconnected with both of the emotions that were splitting me into two, I could hardly recognize myself. I saw others be surprised of this girl who is reinventing herself, yearning for a different life, a different self, an immersive and intensive transformation that surpasses anyone else’s selfish interests, and I stood in awe with them.

I felt like I was watching myself make decisions as if I was a fish in a fish tank and had a checklist of actions and completions ready to be checked and met in preparation for the journey to come.

My last days in Miami were hectic only by choice and not an imposition. I give myself to so many souls and beautiful relationships that I love to nurture, but as the time came near to give me back to myself, it was like the social anxiety I have been feeling intensify this year reversed itself into anxiety against being left alone with myself with nowhere to go, nowhere to hide, nowhere to play some game and pretend to be someone I’m not to be accepted by people I want to believe love me, care for me, but in reality care only about themselves.

At the same time, the time nearing my departure was such a transformational period in itself for myself and for my closest loves that I felt so sheltered to stand up to my own fears and let go of all this confusion and anxiety. I will never know how to transfer the gratitude I have in my heart for having friends like my close gals that push me to be the best version of myself and to continue to figure out who the fuck that is! because it’s okay to not know, it’s okay to get lost and feel like you’ll never get back to yourself, it’s okay to not know what’s next!

My loves, my gals, they’re the seeds of beauty and grace that the universe gifted my soul. Without them life is dull, dark, numb, uncolored, lacking purpose, and lonely. I love them to no end. We grow like middlemist red and jade vine and we support eachother in mutual growth and understanding.

I’ve been planning my life out since I can remember coherently learning to plan for my future. Deconstructing that imposition on my conscience and the way I make decisions has been one of my hardest battles. Accepting that right now is the best I have and that I have the ultimate power to choose how I feel about the world and my life, identity, and own mobility is something beautiful and liberating. I feel like a dove finally grown big enough and strong enough to break away from the chains imposed on me by impediments; selfish beings always on the lookout for control and manipulation over how I feel, what I want to feel, what I do or do not do, and what I AM.

This year I broke my tradition of writing down resolutions because I didn’t end last year or begin this year believing that such were attainable anymore. I had lost all sense of direction and confidence that I had built about how I wanted to live my life. I’ve tried to deconstruct the abusive environment I lived in my whole life since I left that environment, yet failed to realize that in the process of doing so, I had internally replaced the abusive source of pain and become my own aggressor and abuser. It took me half a year, heartbreak, loss of identity, deprecating self-esteem, and full loss of confidence to realize that this is the end of the cycle. I refuse to keep these Centennial long chains caging my feet for any longer.

It took me half a year, heartbreak, loss of identity, deprecating self-esteem, and full loss of confidence to realize that this is the end of the cycle. I refuse to keep these Centennial long chains caging my feet for any longer.

This year is the year of broken chains.

Flying out of Miami and out of the world that harbored my self-deprecation left me feeling free, light, and ready to begin my next transformation.

as the beautiful and brave Banks writes and sings,

Cause I fuck with myself more than anybody else
It’s all love
I used to care what you think about me
It’s all love
Cause my love so good
So I FUCK WITH MYSELF MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE

YOU’RE TOO YOUNG!

YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! OH, YOU COULDN’T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND!

OH YOUNG, TOO YOUNG!

YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT LIFE IS LIKE, YOU WON’T KNOW, YOU CAN’T KNOW!

YOU HAVE NOTHING, REMEMBER THAT, YOU HAVE NOTHING!

yet it is I that knows you, loves you, tolerates you, knows you need me as much as I need you. Life was never easy, it will never be for both of us.

How can you be so blind? Why do you cover the sun with your thumb?

YOU CAN’T PROTECT YOURSELF, I HAVE TO BE IN CONTROL, GIVE ME CONTROL

PEOPLE WILL TRY TO MANIPULATE YOU, THEY ARE PREYING ON YOU, THEY WILL KEEP TRYING TO MANIPULATE YOU

I AM TRYING TO MANIPULATE YOU…

why would I trust you? why do I trust you? I am something. I refuse to be nothing.

Energy, it’s such a deadly force. It is because it cannot be created or destroyed that it sticks like the plague.

A connection is so hard to trust, to experience, to acknowledge. When you know the end will come before the beggining, it all feels like a dream, a fantasy.

He is patient and kind. He is passionate, compassionate, and emotive. He seeks truth in exchange for conviction, he argues for decency and respect. He stands by honesty and doesn’t lie.

The truth is all that they haven’t taken from him, so he fights for it

He understands what it is like to struggle, he lives it, breathes it.

He wakes up every morning to the sound of footsteps that press the canvas he sleeps on.

He looks down when the power of those above us beats down our tolerance. When we both asphyxiate from the bullshit of bureaucratic dominance. But I see his heart above his head, beating in resistance when his arms can’t hold up any longer.

He met me at a weird time in my life and I completely missed him. I didn’t notice. And now that I have, it ended before starting. Timing and distance, like all tragic heartbreak.

At the same time, this is nothing. It wasn’t created to be more than shared energy. Good energy. And while I’ll miss the feeling, I’m leaving it all behind me.

This is the end. Who is this ‘we’? who am I?

Implied Spaces

Raised, especially above the ground:

First of all it is not a discreet writer, but about the reality of numbers.

I will always drink Wednesday to sleep with you.

Life speaks.

Myth of a rabbit –

Look, there, beauty and fame seems to be in the news.

We are attached wines of society, the amount of wealth we are seeking.

We only have to pretend.

“From a fool, we crazy crazy”

– The existence of convenient lucky characters,… for many people raise towers.

Music Source:

Louis Jordan & His Tympany Five II

 

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Every morning, my mom routinely refuses to leave the house without coming up to my room and giving me a kiss on the forehead. 

While it is the sweetest and most constant thing that happens every day now, it is also the most sad. I know where the action stems from; she is afraid. She is afraid to not see me again before tomorrow’s forehead kiss.

She’s afraid of unfortunate events, she’s afraid of the things she can’t control, the things she can’t plan for, the things she wakes up in sweats about at dusk. 

I thought that my mom would stop fearing death after I beat it, but that’s the thing about death, it doesn’t sit there awaiting it’s occurrence, it haunts the weak in the name of uncertainty. 

I feel bad often, not caring or worrying about dying anymore. I can be reckless, unafraid, and even search for a reminder of what it felt like to be in danger. To remember the adrenaline that rushes through veins and capillaries when your heart hurts in desperation. 

Fight or flight. Always fighting, sometimes fleeing. 

But it’s all wrapped up in a forehead kiss. 

Funny how even a kiss is a force of resistance. 

Te amo Ma ❤